the heart’s a cup, or a bottle, or whatever you want it to be

this emptiness i feel now.

sadness? depression? i don’t really know. i don’t really have to know.

this emptiness is temporary. it’s my chance to reset. burning the crops for a more bountiful harvest the next round, that’s what i can liken this feeling to (the burnt land, not the burning).

yes. i just poured out stale water, that’s why i’m empty. fresher water awaits!

and then i shot myself in the heart

my inaction, my folly, my fault

ridiculous, imaginary, unreasonable

it’s so silly. i’m so silly. i literally set myself up for, let myself into, got myself stuck in this trap. all by myself. i did it by myself. and now i’m by myself.

i’m not lonely, oh no, that’s not what i’m saying. i’m saying i tricked myself into a fantasy without real world input for years. YEARS. and now my heart aches.

And he doesn’t even know.

Not his inaction, not his folly, not his fault.

Oh, how my heart aches.

i’m such a fool. haha.

just a fool

sick of it

i keep doing this to myself and i don’t even know why what for what am i trying to prove

i don’t understand my own extreme escapist behaviour

i hate it

i don’t hate myself. i just hate this part of myself. i wish i could change but i’m just so stuck in this same goddamn cycle there is barely anything – stress, risk of failing, peer pressure, etc. – that can motivate me to get me to be PRODUCTIVE. my breaks last waaaaayyyy longer than my actual working time.

and 1 out of 3 times, i regret it.

when i was younger i was all “i don’t regret ever!” like i was sooooo kool and all dat

but f*ck man, i’m sick of denying it. i’m sick of myself.

Patience

How could you.

How could you expect me to be as quick, as smart, as smooth as you are in it, when I’m only a beginner in this game, and you’re an expert?

My sensitive heart can’t take it. Public humiliation is too much to bear for me.

Why do you treat me this way?

And after swapping me out for someone else who’s quicker, smarter, and smoother, you compliment the group that played, saying that you “feel good” for that “fast game”. Right in front of me.

Why do you treat me this way?

Why can’t you consider how new I am to this version? Am I supposed to be apologetic for being slow? I really don’t see what’s wrong in taking your time un-learning and re-learning the same game but with different rules.

You make me want to cry. But I shan’t, because this small incident isn’t worth my precious tears. Still, my heart hurts. You can’t just attack me for being new/slow/dumb in an area I can never improve in without more time and more experience. What am I supposed to do to live up to your lofty expectations? I can’t do it.

I know it’s not ME you’re attacking, you’d do this for anyone slower than the speed threshold you’ve set for any player. It’s YOU. But it still doesn’t change the fact that your words hurt me. Perhaps I’m being TOO sensitive? OVERsensitive? But what the hell, do I have to justify my hurt? No, I don’t.

Sighs. 😦 Patience is a form of kindness too.

wanting (in school)

the reading material i barely understand. the feeling of being one of the most inadequate (in more than one class, no less). the constant procrastination. the constant hate for myself for procrastinating.

i can’t take it anymore. i want it to stop. i want to stop. i want to stop procrastinating. i want to get my life in order (haha, realise i didn’t say get my life BACK in order?).

i want to sleep regular hours.
i want to set my mind on a task, concentrate, then complete it within the necessary time needed for it.
i want to participate in extra-curricular activities just as much as i am now. hopefully even more.
i want to watch all my anime and read all my manga and maybe even watch a korean drama or two.
i want to…
i want…
am i wanting too much?
am i biting off way more than i can chew? can’t i have my cake and eat it too? (oo, rhymes)

i wish. i wish the concept of time wouldn’t interfere with the fun in learning. but alas, resource constraints.

handsome/pretty privilege

I consider myself one of the luckier ones in the genetic lottery, if I do say so myself. As much as we (including myself) like to tell ourselves that looks don’t matter, the unfortunate truth is that they do. It’s deeply embedded in most of our subconscious.

So I would rate myself, on a good day, a “7 out of 10”. I refuse to quantify beauty for others, because that’s terribly demeaning for them as the score reduces their person to their mere appearance which they never had a choice in shaping. But for the sake of this post, I will do it for myself, just to show that I am aware of how I am viewed by others.

I recognise that having a nice face vastly alters the way some people treat you, compared to other more regular faces.

I ask a few questions in class, and I can feel like I’m already the teacher’s pet.

I am approached by people (men… boys.) who just expect me to be friendly.

People think I’m being “interesting as usual” when I’m actually being snippy at the moment.

I’m instantly liked by 90% of a group of strangers the moment I enter a room.

Am I being overconfident, too cocky, over my head about my SHEER BEAUTY?? I don’t think so.

I can’t stand it. It’s not about “being grateful” or not. By giving me this chance I never had to work for, I constantly feel like I don’t deserve it, because… I don’t deserve it. I am forced to live up to your expectations of being nice, having the ability to do well academically. As much as I do strive to do those because that’s part of my actual personality, I am rather put off by the fact people expect that of me because of how I look, not how I actually behave (because they never got the chance to observe me intently enough). It’s stressful.

On top of that, it’s absolutely unfair and discrediting to the people around me, who never got the opportunity of letting their personality or abilities shine 100% just because I unwittingly steal the attention from them.

I feel like I’m being terribly incoherent right now, and I apologise. I just wanted to rant because a niggling feeling at the back of my mind during my interactions with certain people constantly make me second guess my credibility. For example:

“Are they complimenting my personality/intelligence ’cause I look pretty?” (notice the irony)

“Why is she addressing me this way and not the rest of the class, I didn’t even do anything??”

“Wow I just said something so vapid. Why is everyone not judging me for being vapid, and instead, seriously considering my words?”

It’s terrible. I’m terrible. And I’ll never improve if no one stands up to smack me in my pretty face by rebutting me or giving me honest feedback, instead of keeping their thoughts to themselves not out of mere “politeness”, but fear of committing a social faux pas of “offending a pretty girl”.

I lament for having more credit given to me than I deserve, and being subjected to less automatic societal regulations than I should be.

I blab. Rant over.