i feel dumber the smarter i’m supposed to be

The higher i climb, the harder i try, i’m taking myself out of the comfort of my little puddle and putting myself in a pond then a lake then the ocean.

But i’ve barely grown. i’m still small, and i’m still learning.

In my puddle, I was the best.

In a pond, I was one of the best.

In a lake, I was still in the upper echelons of the interweb of wits and speed.

But in the ocean, i am merely my mediocrity, and it pains me to know I was once better, or knew myself to be better. It’s humbling, though. i ought to be thankful. The usual cause of my frequent downfalls (more than i would like to admit) is pride.

While i acquire more knowledge as i move on to the big ocean, the accompanying exposure stings the small cuts i received from the pond and lake, and the rough ocean floor scrapes my skin as i struggle to push off from it after the occasional sink. It hurts. i’m dumb. It hurts more knowing I was once able to avoid the rocks easily. i’m dumb now knowing I was once smart — knowing i’m supposed to be smart.

So i guess i’ll continue swimming. Someday the ocean won’t seem so big, someday the cuts won’t sting, and someday my skin will harden so I won’t feel a thing when I hit rock bottom.

The only way is up. The only way is to learn from mistakes. Only then I will grow.

Then I’ll be smart again!

the heart’s a cup, or a bottle, or whatever you want it to be

this emptiness i feel now.

sadness? depression? i don’t really know. i don’t really have to know.

this emptiness is temporary. it’s my chance to reset. burning the crops for a more bountiful harvest the next round, that’s what i can liken this feeling to (the burnt land, not the burning).

yes. i just poured out stale water, that’s why i’m empty. fresher water awaits!

and then i shot myself in the heart

my inaction, my folly, my fault

ridiculous, imaginary, unreasonable

it’s so silly. i’m so silly. i literally set myself up for, let myself into, got myself stuck in this trap. all by myself. i did it by myself. and now i’m by myself.

i’m not lonely, oh no, that’s not what i’m saying. i’m saying i tricked myself into a fantasy without real world input for years. YEARS. and now my heart aches.

And he doesn’t even know.

Not his inaction, not his folly, not his fault.

Oh, how my heart aches.

i’m such a fool. haha.

just a fool

sick of it

i keep doing this to myself and i don’t even know why what for what am i trying to prove

i don’t understand my own extreme escapist behaviour

i hate it

i don’t hate myself. i just hate this part of myself. i wish i could change but i’m just so stuck in this same goddamn cycle there is barely anything – stress, risk of failing, peer pressure, etc. – that can motivate me to get me to be PRODUCTIVE. my breaks last waaaaayyyy longer than my actual working time.

and 1 out of 3 times, i regret it.

when i was younger i was all “i don’t regret ever!” like i was sooooo kool and all dat

but f*ck man, i’m sick of denying it. i’m sick of myself.

Patience

How could you.

How could you expect me to be as quick, as smart, as smooth as you are in it, when I’m only a beginner in this game, and you’re an expert?

My sensitive heart can’t take it. Public humiliation is too much to bear for me.

Why do you treat me this way?

And after swapping me out for someone else who’s quicker, smarter, and smoother, you compliment the group that played, saying that you “feel good” for that “fast game”. Right in front of me.

Why do you treat me this way?

Why can’t you consider how new I am to this version? Am I supposed to be apologetic for being slow? I really don’t see what’s wrong in taking your time un-learning and re-learning the same game but with different rules.

You make me want to cry. But I shan’t, because this small incident isn’t worth my precious tears. Still, my heart hurts. You can’t just attack me for being new/slow/dumb in an area I can never improve in without more time and more experience. What am I supposed to do to live up to your lofty expectations? I can’t do it.

I know it’s not ME you’re attacking, you’d do this for anyone slower than the speed threshold you’ve set for any player. It’s YOU. But it still doesn’t change the fact that your words hurt me. Perhaps I’m being TOO sensitive? OVERsensitive? But what the hell, do I have to justify my hurt? No, I don’t.

Sighs. 😦 Patience is a form of kindness too.

wanting (in school)

the reading material i barely understand. the feeling of being one of the most inadequate (in more than one class, no less). the constant procrastination. the constant hate for myself for procrastinating.

i can’t take it anymore. i want it to stop. i want to stop. i want to stop procrastinating. i want to get my life in order (haha, realise i didn’t say get my life BACK in order?).

i want to sleep regular hours.
i want to set my mind on a task, concentrate, then complete it within the necessary time needed for it.
i want to participate in extra-curricular activities just as much as i am now. hopefully even more.
i want to watch all my anime and read all my manga and maybe even watch a korean drama or two.
i want to…
i want…
am i wanting too much?
am i biting off way more than i can chew? can’t i have my cake and eat it too? (oo, rhymes)

i wish. i wish the concept of time wouldn’t interfere with the fun in learning. but alas, resource constraints.