wanting (in school)

the reading material i barely understand. the feeling of being one of the most inadequate (in more than one class, no less). the constant procrastination. the constant hate for myself for procrastinating.

i can’t take it anymore. i want it to stop. i want to stop. i want to stop procrastinating. i want to get my life in order (haha, realise i didn’t say get my life BACK in order?).

i want to sleep regular hours.
i want to set my mind on a task, concentrate, then complete it within the necessary time needed for it.
i want to participate in extra-curricular activities just as much as i am now. hopefully even more.
i want to watch all my anime and read all my manga and maybe even watch a korean drama or two.
i want to…
i want…
am i wanting too much?
am i biting off way more than i can chew? can’t i have my cake and eat it too? (oo, rhymes)

i wish. i wish the concept of time wouldn’t interfere with the fun in learning. but alas, resource constraints.

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handsome/pretty privilege

I consider myself one of the luckier ones in the genetic lottery, if I do say so myself. As much as we (including myself) like to tell ourselves that looks don’t matter, the unfortunate truth is that they do. It’s deeply embedded in most of our subconscious.

So I would rate myself, on a good day, a “7 out of 10”. I refuse to quantify beauty for others, because that’s terribly demeaning for them as the score reduces their person to their mere appearance which they never had a choice in shaping. But for the sake of this post, I will do it for myself, just to show that I am aware of how I am viewed by others.

I recognise that having a nice face vastly alters the way some people treat you, compared to other more regular faces.

I ask a few questions in class, and I can feel like I’m already the teacher’s pet.

I am approached by people (men… boys.) who just expect me to be friendly.

People think I’m being “interesting as usual” when I’m actually being snippy at the moment.

I’m instantly liked by 90% of a group of strangers the moment I enter a room.

Am I being overconfident, too cocky, over my head about my SHEER BEAUTY?? I don’t think so.

I can’t stand it. It’s not about “being grateful” or not. By giving me this chance I never had to work for, I constantly feel like I don’t deserve it, because… I don’t deserve it. I am forced to live up to your expectations of being nice, having the ability to do well academically. As much as I do strive to do those because that’s part of my actual personality, I am rather put off by the fact people expect that of me because of how I look, not how I actually behave (because they never got the chance to observe me intently enough). It’s stressful.

On top of that, it’s absolutely unfair and discrediting to the people around me, who never got the opportunity of letting their personality or abilities shine 100% just because I unwittingly steal the attention from them.

I feel like I’m being terribly incoherent right now, and I apologise. I just wanted to rant because a niggling feeling at the back of my mind during my interactions with certain people constantly make me second guess my credibility. For example:

“Are they complimenting my personality/intelligence ’cause I look pretty?” (notice the irony)

“Why is she addressing me this way and not the rest of the class, I didn’t even do anything??”

“Wow I just said something so vapid. Why is everyone not judging me for being vapid, and instead, seriously considering my words?”

It’s terrible. I’m terrible. And I’ll never improve if no one stands up to smack me in my pretty face by rebutting me or giving me honest feedback, instead of keeping their thoughts to themselves not out of mere “politeness”, but fear of committing a social faux pas of “offending a pretty girl”.

I lament for having more credit given to me than I deserve, and being subjected to less automatic societal regulations than I should be.

I blab. Rant over.

teasing

it’s suffocating me.

“so you have a boyboy already? 😉 ”

*denies*

*everyone in the room laughs*

wtf i’m so uncomfortable with

  1. being assumed to like whoever they were talking about based on something innocent
  2. people thinking it’s okay to tease other people about relationships when the actions leading to the false assumption could plausibly be misinterpreted as such, so it’s difficult to deny
  3. automatically assuming i like boys. like wtf. if you were straight and i accused you of liking someone of the same gender, you’d feel a little queasy. same goes for a homosexual and accusing them of liking someone of the opposite gender. first thing that shoots through my mind? “ew.” I like neither gender, holy crap just leave me alone.

i hate it. i hate the teasing, the false assumptions, the heteronormativity. i want to cry.

intentions

I can see it, hear it, feel it – your intentions.

When you look at me, talk to me, interact with me – I know it all.

The intentions behind the glances you cast, behind the words you speak, behind the thoughts you project – they’re so obvious.

I subtly slink off, yet you boldly continue. Should I be impressed by your tenacity, bravery, silly infatuation? Maybe you think I should. Maybe you think you have every right to have this chance, this shot at me.

You don’t have this right. You’ve done nothing to earn it, nothing to deserve it. It’s not the same as a given human right like voting, or working, or to be in a safe environment, etc. It’s not the same when it comes to relationships, when it must be mutually voluntary. And when I decide I do NOT want to give you even a sliver of a chance to get past being acquaintances, I should not feel pressured into needing to be friends with you, needing to accept your creepy advances. You make an offer, and I decide whether I want to accept.

“Why don’t you just give me a chance? Why are you rejecting me so fast? You don’t even know me yet, so how do you know this relationship won’t work out?”

Oh, I do know. Your glances, words, thoughts… They tell me everything I need to know about what you’re after. It’s something I refuse to give, especially to a creep like you. They also tell me everything I need to know about you, as a person. You aren’t attracted to me because we click, because we are compatible. It’s my better-than-average looks, it’s my friendliness that is unfortunately misinterpreted to mean I’m “available”, it’s my overall “charm” – you’ve only known me for less than a couple of weeks, the lines exchanged between us could not have exceeded 24 hours. I’m not interested, and you’re desperate.

And OH, I can feel the pity you can raise from the internet masses, about “having a crush on someone you have no chance with”.

It’s more than that for you. You leave out your predatory approach, your corrupted purpose, your sick mindset when you attempt to befriend me. But go ahead anyway, wallow in your self-pity about not being able to “get” or “catch” me (heh, just shows what exactly you think of me, right?). I couldn’t care less.

Sometimes you don’t even know you’re possessing these intentions, but they show. They shine through everything you do or say.

Your sullied intentions automatically disqualify you from securing the chance you so desperately struggle for. I refuse to associate myself with people like this.

Please stop, it’s painful for both of us, and if I were to take on the stand of a third party, it’s painful to watch too.

Just stop.

I’ve had enough with this blatant disrespect for me, and for yourself as well. I don’t need this.

I don’t need you.

All I was agreeable with was just friendship, but from the very beginning you wanted more, so the entire relationship is tainted with your intentions, and my knowledge of them. Good job.

—/—-friend

I thought about it during a lecture I was supposed to be paying attention to because the tutorial sessions are even less understandable. Barely regret it.

I pondered: why is there this need, or social expectation, to “upgrade” yourself to boyfriend/girlfriend to the other party once both of you have passed a certain boundary of closeness (physically or emotionally, whatever man)?

What changes along with the status? What benefits are there?

Is it security? That now you have a certain hold or reservation over the other person.

Would it bring both of you closer together? By acknowledging the value of your relationship through a change in relationship status.

Do you now have the right to expect gifts, time, kisses, extra effort, and even sacrifices if necessary?

Why can’t we enjoy the innocence as it is? Why do we yearn for more, better, clearer, closer, stronger? Why can’t we just feel? Why do we struggle to formalise, to know?

I am content with the equilibrium.

But Love

Is it weird? … I’ll try to get my thoughts into words.

I loved someone 10 years ago, when we were still children. Silly isn’t it? Call it puppy love, call it first crush. But…

Right now, I don’t think I love them. Time apart does not always “make the heart grow fonder”. It just makes my feelings stranger – makes us strangers. But…

Every interaction now sparks something it me. Rekindles memories. Reminds me of the mutual trust we still have. Makes me happy and proud and dumb at the same time for realising that most others will never understand them like I do. After all, we’ve known each other for more than half our lives now, and I’m not exaggerating.

I ask myself if I’m being stupid.

We could literally sit together for hours without talking, and I’ll be okay with that.

They could literally talk for hours on a topic I never saw interest in, and I’ll happily listen.

We could literally misunderstand each other’s intentions because both of us thought we could read each other’s minds, and we’ll just laugh this rare mistake off.

They could literally talk to me again after a year of silence, and I’m fine with pretending we were just continuing our conversation from yesterday.

… I’m a fool. That’s the answer. They probably don’t care about me much anymore, but… why do I care so much? They give me nothing, but why am I so eager to give?

Loyalty. Respect. Adoration. Dedication. Friendship. I give them all.

But Love… not yet. Perhaps I’m not that foolish.

ads

Apologies in advance for ads that may appear on my page with my apparent permission! Because I can’t pay wordpress to make them go away – that’s why the ads have to pay wordpress on my behalf 😛

On another note, you know those people on the street trying to shove a piece of advertisement into your hands? Take it. They know 99.9% of you aren’t even going to read the ad for real. Just take it – help the poor fella clear their pile more quickly, that’s all they wanna do, they won’t pressure you into using their washing machine service, or door lock service, or tuition service, etc. It’s also pretty neat if you could dispose of the ad out of their line of sight – I mean, how would you feel if you were giving out free (but admittedly useless) stuff and someone just dumped it into a trash can near you? It won’t matter in the long run, but… it won’t hurt to be nice.

Help a fellow human out for free 🙂