teasing

it’s suffocating me.

“so you have a boyboy already? ūüėČ ”

*denies*

*everyone in the room laughs*

wtf i’m so uncomfortable with

  1. being assumed to like whoever they were talking about based on something innocent
  2. people thinking it’s okay to tease other people about relationships when the actions leading to the false assumption¬†could plausibly be misinterpreted as such, so it’s difficult to deny
  3. automatically assuming i like boys. like wtf. if you were straight and i accused you of liking someone of the same gender, you’d feel a little queasy. same goes for a homosexual and accusing them of liking someone of the opposite gender. first thing that shoots through my mind? “ew.” I like neither gender, holy crap just leave me alone.

i hate it. i hate the teasing, the false assumptions, the heteronormativity. i want to cry.

intentions

I can see it, hear it, feel it – your intentions.

When you look at me, talk to me, interact with me –¬†I know it all.

The intentions behind the¬†glances you cast, behind the words you speak,¬†behind the thoughts you project – they’re so obvious.

I subtly slink off, yet you boldly continue. Should I be impressed by your tenacity, bravery, silly infatuation? Maybe you think I should. Maybe you think you have every right to have this chance, this shot at me.

You don’t have this right. You’ve done nothing to earn it, nothing to deserve it. It’s not the same as a given human right like voting, or working, or to be in a safe environment, etc. It’s not the same when it comes to relationships, when it must be mutually voluntary. And when I decide I do¬†NOT¬†want to give you even a sliver of a chance to get past being acquaintances, I should not feel pressured into¬†needing to be friends with you,¬†needing to accept your creepy advances. You make an offer, and¬†I decide whether I want to accept.

“Why don’t you just give me a chance? Why are you rejecting me so fast? You don’t even know me yet, so how do you know this relationship won’t work out?”

Oh, I do know. Your glances, words, thoughts…¬†They tell me everything I need to know about what you’re after. It’s something I refuse to give, especially to a creep like you. They also tell me everything I need to know about you, as a person. You aren’t attracted to me because we click, because we are compatible. It’s my better-than-average looks, it’s my friendliness that is unfortunately¬†misinterpreted¬†to mean I’m “available”, it’s my overall “charm” – you’ve only known me for less than a couple of weeks, the lines exchanged between us could not have exceeded 24 hours. I’m not interested, and you’re desperate.

And OH, I can¬†feel the pity you can raise from the internet masses, about “having a crush on someone you have no chance with”.

It’s more than that for you. You leave out your predatory approach, your corrupted purpose, your sick mindset when you attempt to befriend me. But go ahead anyway, wallow in your self-pity about not being able to “get” or “catch” me (heh, just shows what exactly you think of me, right?).¬†I couldn’t care less.

Sometimes you don’t even know you’re possessing these intentions, but they show. They shine through everything you do or say.

Your sullied intentions automatically disqualify you from securing the chance you so desperately struggle for. I refuse to associate myself with people like this.

Please¬†stop, it’s painful for both of us, and if I were to take on the stand of a third party, it’s painful to watch too.

Just stop.

I’ve had enough with this blatant disrespect for me, and for yourself as well.¬†I don’t need this.

I don’t need you.

All I was agreeable with was just friendship, but from the very beginning you wanted more, so the entire relationship is tainted with your intentions, and my knowledge of them. Good job.

—/—-friend

I thought about it during a lecture I was supposed to be paying attention to because the tutorial sessions are even less understandable. Barely regret it.

I pondered: why is there this need, or social expectation, to “upgrade” yourself to boyfriend/girlfriend to the other party once both of you have passed a certain boundary of closeness (physically or emotionally, whatever man)?

What changes along with the status? What benefits are there?

Is it security? That now you have a certain hold or reservation over the other person.

Would it bring both of you closer together? By acknowledging the value of your relationship through a change in relationship status.

Do you now have the right to expect gifts, time, kisses, extra effort, and even sacrifices if necessary?

Why can’t we enjoy the innocence as it is? Why do we yearn for more, better, clearer, closer, stronger?¬†Why can’t we just feel? Why do we struggle to formalise, to know?

I am content with the equilibrium.

But Love

Is it weird? … I’ll try to get my thoughts into words.

I loved someone 10 years ago, when we were still children. Silly isn’t it? Call it puppy love, call it first crush. But…

Right now, I don’t think I love them. Time apart does not always “make the heart grow fonder”. It just makes my feelings¬†stranger – makes us strangers. But…

Every interaction now sparks something it me. Rekindles memories. Reminds me of the¬†mutual trust we still have. Makes me happy and proud and dumb at the same time for realising that most others will never understand them like I do. After all, we’ve known each other for more than half our lives now, and I’m not exaggerating.

I ask myself if I’m being stupid.

We could literally sit together for hours without talking, and I’ll be okay with that.

They could literally talk for hours on a topic I never saw interest in, and I’ll happily listen.

We could literally misunderstand each other’s intentions because both of us thought we could read each other’s minds, and we’ll just laugh this¬†rare mistake¬†off.

They could literally talk to me again after a year of silence, and I’m fine with pretending we were just continuing our conversation from yesterday.

… I’m a fool. That’s the answer.¬†They probably don’t care about me much anymore, but… why do I care so much? They give me nothing, but why am I so eager to give?

Loyalty. Respect. Adoration. Dedication. Friendship. I give them all.

But Love… not yet. Perhaps I’m not that foolish.

ads

Apologies in advance for ads that may appear on my page with my apparent permission! Because I can’t pay wordpress to make them go away – that’s why the ads have to pay wordpress on my behalf ūüėõ

On another note, you know those people on the street trying to shove a piece of advertisement into your hands? Take it. They know 99.9% of you aren’t even going to read the ad for real. Just take it – help the poor fella clear their pile more quickly, that’s all they wanna do, they won’t pressure you into using their washing machine service, or door lock service, or tuition service, etc. It’s also¬†pretty neat¬†if you could dispose of the ad out of their line of sight – I mean, how would you feel if you were giving out free (but admittedly useless) stuff and someone just dumped it into a trash can near you? It won’t matter in the long run, but… it won’t hurt to be nice.

Help a fellow human out for free ūüôā

appearance

I tell myself to be confident, to accept and love who I am and how I look, that even if I’m not beautiful by anyone else’s standards, I can be by mine.

But some days, when I look in the mirror, I feel so, so ugly, the blemishes on my skin like flashing neon signs against a plain background. I feel too ashamed to step out of the house to let the public see me, judge me, use me to make themselves feel better.

As much as I like to believe no one is going to bother looking at me for more than two seconds, what if, what if they do?

“jesus she should have put on make-up”

“thank goodness I wasn’t born with that kind of skin”

“is she allergic to something in the air”

Noise in other people’s heads. Noise in my own head.

Why do I look this way? “Ugly.” I don’t want to look this way.

But it’s okay to look this way.

Why do I think this way? “I’m ugly.” I don’t want to think this way.

And it’s okay to think this way.

Because I’ll think another way another day. Tomorrow I’ll be beautiful.