and then i shot myself in the heart

my inaction, my folly, my fault

ridiculous, imaginary, unreasonable

it’s so silly. i’m so silly. i literally set myself up for, let myself into, got myself stuck in this trap. all by myself. i did it by myself. and now i’m by myself.

i’m not lonely, oh no, that’s not what i’m saying. i’m saying i tricked myself into a fantasy without real world input for years. YEARS. and now my heart aches.

And he doesn’t even know.

Not his inaction, not his folly, not his fault.

Oh, how my heart aches.

i’m such a fool. haha.

just a fool

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sick of it

i keep doing this to myself and i don’t even know why what for what am i trying to prove

i don’t understand my own extreme escapist behaviour

i hate it

i don’t hate myself. i just hate this part of myself. i wish i could change but i’m just so stuck in this same goddamn cycle there is barely anything – stress, risk of failing, peer pressure, etc. – that can motivate me to get me to be PRODUCTIVE. my breaks last waaaaayyyy longer than my actual working time.

and 1 out of 3 times, i regret it.

when i was younger i was all “i don’t regret ever!” like i was sooooo kool and all dat

but f*ck man, i’m sick of denying it. i’m sick of myself.

Patience

How could you.

How could you expect me to be as quick, as smart, as smooth as you are in it, when I’m only a beginner in this game, and you’re an expert?

My sensitive heart can’t take it. Public humiliation is too much to bear for me.

Why do you treat me this way?

And after swapping me out for someone else who’s quicker, smarter, and smoother, you compliment the group that played, saying that you “feel good” for that “fast game”. Right in front of me.

Why do you treat me this way?

Why can’t you consider how new I am to this version? Am I supposed to be apologetic for being slow? I really don’t see what’s wrong in taking your time un-learning and re-learning the same game but with different rules.

You make me want to cry. But I shan’t, because this small incident isn’t worth my precious tears. Still, my heart hurts. You can’t just attack me for being new/slow/dumb in an area I can never improve in without more time and more experience. What am I supposed to do to live up to your lofty expectations? I can’t do it.

I know it’s not ME you’re attacking, you’d do this for anyone slower than the speed threshold you’ve set for any player. It’s YOU. But it still doesn’t change the fact that your words hurt me. Perhaps I’m being TOO sensitive? OVERsensitive? But what the hell, do I have to justify my hurt? No, I don’t.

Sighs. 😦 Patience is a form of kindness too.

teasing

it’s suffocating me.

“so you have a boyboy already? 😉 ”

*denies*

*everyone in the room laughs*

wtf i’m so uncomfortable with

  1. being assumed to like whoever they were talking about based on something innocent
  2. people thinking it’s okay to tease other people about relationships when the actions leading to the false assumption could plausibly be misinterpreted as such, so it’s difficult to deny
  3. automatically assuming i like boys. like wtf. if you were straight and i accused you of liking someone of the same gender, you’d feel a little queasy. same goes for a homosexual and accusing them of liking someone of the opposite gender. first thing that shoots through my mind? “ew.” I like neither gender, holy crap just leave me alone.

i hate it. i hate the teasing, the false assumptions, the heteronormativity. i want to cry.