I’m tired. I didn’t do anything worth its time, but I’m tired.
I’m useless. My group mates must hate me, but they’re just too polite to say something. They’re so much smarter and proactive than I am
I’m guilty. I’ve lost the little motivation I had for getting through my university course. I can barely bring myself to do my tutorials and understand the last 12 weeks’ worth of lessons, much less contribute fruitfully to group work.
I say I’ll do it, but I don’t, because I can’t bring myself to.
What the hell is this stupid mental barrier that just PROHIBITS me from doing the responsible thing??
“Do you even want to do the thing?”
NO. I do not. I want to work at my own damn pace, not this system’s. I don’t want to have expectations set upon me for me to meet (or not meet) them. But I know I have to.
I HATE IT.
So I don’t do that thing.
This is how I am going to lose friends, street cred, and control over my university life. I hate how I am now and I don’t know what I need to push me to get my shit together. Perhaps a C grade? Maybe that will wake me up. But honestly I don’t know if I’ll care anymore at that point.
Life just seems so meaningless.
No, I don’t think I have depression. I’ve just fallen into this irresponsible rut of letting myself go for the entire university semester and I have yet to face the repercussions because grades come out in the winter, and my group mates are all so nice.
I hate myself. I………. I just hate myself when I’m like this. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Or maybe I do and I’m just avoiding it subconsciously.
UGH. Just. Ugh.
my inaction, my folly, my fault
ridiculous, imaginary, unreasonable
it’s so silly. i’m so silly. i literally set myself up for, let myself into, got myself stuck in this trap. all by myself. i did it by myself. and now i’m by myself.
i’m not lonely, oh no, that’s not what i’m saying. i’m saying i tricked myself into a fantasy without real world input for years. YEARS. and now my heart aches.
And he doesn’t even know.
Not his inaction, not his folly, not his fault.
Oh, how my heart aches.
i’m such a fool. haha.
just a fool
i keep doing this to myself and i don’t even know why what for what am i trying to prove
i don’t understand my own extreme escapist behaviour
i hate it
i don’t hate myself. i just hate this part of myself. i wish i could change but i’m just so stuck in this same goddamn cycle there is barely anything – stress, risk of failing, peer pressure, etc. – that can motivate me to get me to be PRODUCTIVE. my breaks last waaaaayyyy longer than my actual working time.
and 1 out of 3 times, i regret it.
when i was younger i was all “i don’t regret ever!” like i was sooooo kool and all dat
but f*ck man, i’m sick of denying it. i’m sick of myself.
How could you.
How could you expect me to be as quick, as smart, as smooth as you are in it, when I’m only a beginner in this game, and you’re an expert?
My sensitive heart can’t take it. Public humiliation is too much to bear for me.
Why do you treat me this way?
And after swapping me out for someone else who’s quicker, smarter, and smoother, you compliment the group that played, saying that you “feel good” for that “fast game”. Right in front of me.
Why do you treat me this way?
Why can’t you consider how new I am to this version? Am I supposed to be apologetic for being slow? I really don’t see what’s wrong in taking your time un-learning and re-learning the same game but with different rules.
You make me want to cry. But I shan’t, because this small incident isn’t worth my precious tears. Still, my heart hurts. You can’t just attack me for being new/slow/dumb in an area I can never improve in without more time and more experience. What am I supposed to do to live up to your lofty expectations? I can’t do it.
I know it’s not ME you’re attacking, you’d do this for anyone slower than the speed threshold you’ve set for any player. It’s YOU. But it still doesn’t change the fact that your words hurt me. Perhaps I’m being TOO sensitive? OVERsensitive? But what the hell, do I have to justify my hurt? No, I don’t.
Sighs. 😦 Patience is a form of kindness too.
it’s suffocating me.
“so you have a boyboy already? 😉 ”
*everyone in the room laughs*
wtf i’m so uncomfortable with
- being assumed to like whoever they were talking about based on something innocent
- people thinking it’s okay to tease other people about relationships when the actions leading to the false assumption could plausibly be misinterpreted as such, so it’s difficult to deny
- automatically assuming i like boys. like wtf. if you were straight and i accused you of liking someone of the same gender, you’d feel a little queasy. same goes for a homosexual and accusing them of liking someone of the opposite gender. first thing that shoots through my mind? “ew.” I like neither gender, holy crap just leave me alone.
i hate it. i hate the teasing, the false assumptions, the heteronormativity. i want to cry.