i feel dumber the smarter i’m supposed to be

The higher i climb, the harder i try, i’m taking myself out of the comfort of my little puddle and putting myself in a pond then a lake then the ocean.

But i’ve barely grown. i’m still small, and i’m still learning.

In my puddle, I was the best.

In a pond, I was one of the best.

In a lake, I was still in the upper echelons of the interweb of wits and speed.

But in the ocean, i am merely my mediocrity, and it pains me to know I was once better, or knew myself to be better. It’s humbling, though. i ought to be thankful. The usual cause of my frequent downfalls (more than i would like to admit) is pride.

While i acquire more knowledge as i move on to the big ocean, the accompanying exposure stings the small cuts i received from the pond and lake, and the rough ocean floor scrapes my skin as i struggle to push off from it after the occasional sink. It hurts. i’m dumb. It hurts more knowing I was once able to avoid the rocks easily. i’m dumb now knowing I was once smart — knowing i’m supposed to be smart.

So i guess i’ll continue swimming. Someday the ocean won’t seem so big, someday the cuts won’t sting, and someday my skin will harden so I won’t feel a thing when I hit rock bottom.

The only way is up. The only way is to learn from mistakes. Only then I will grow.

Then I’ll be smart again!

sick of it

i keep doing this to myself and i don’t even know why what for what am i trying to prove

i don’t understand my own extreme escapist behaviour

i hate it

i don’t hate myself. i just hate this part of myself. i wish i could change but i’m just so stuck in this same goddamn cycle there is barely anything – stress, risk of failing, peer pressure, etc. – that can motivate me to get me to be PRODUCTIVE. my breaks last waaaaayyyy longer than my actual working time.

and 1 out of 3 times, i regret it.

when i was younger i was all “i don’t regret ever!” like i was sooooo kool and all dat

but f*ck man, i’m sick of denying it. i’m sick of myself.