I’m tired. I didn’t do anything worth its time, but I’m tired.

I’m useless. My group mates must hate me, but they’re just too polite to say something. They’re so much smarter and proactive than I am

I’m guilty. I’ve lost the little motivation I had for getting through my university course. I can barely bring myself to do my tutorials and understand the last 12 weeks’ worth of lessons, much less contribute fruitfully to group work.

I say I’ll do it, but I don’t, because I can’t bring myself to.

What the hell is this stupid mental barrier that just PROHIBITS me from doing the responsible thing??

“Do you even want to do the thing?”

NO. I do not. I want to work at my own damn pace, not this system’s. I don’t want to have expectations set upon me for me to meet (or not meet) them. But I know I have to.


So I don’t do that thing.

This is how I am going to lose friends, street cred, and control over my university life. I hate how I am now and I don’t know what I need to push me to get my shit together. Perhaps a C grade? Maybe that will wake me up. But honestly I don’t know if I’ll care anymore at that point.

Life just seems so meaningless.

No, I don’t think I have depression. I’ve just fallen into this irresponsible rut of letting myself go for the entire university semester and I have yet to face the repercussions because grades come out in the winter, and my group mates are all so nice.

I hate myself. I………. I just hate myself when I’m like this. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Or maybe I do and I’m just avoiding it subconsciously.

UGH. Just. Ugh.



How could you.

How could you expect me to be as quick, as smart, as smooth as you are in it, when I’m only a beginner in this game, and you’re an expert?

My sensitive heart can’t take it. Public humiliation is too much to bear for me.

Why do you treat me this way?

And after swapping me out for someone else who’s quicker, smarter, and smoother, you compliment the group that played, saying that you “feel good” for that “fast game”. Right in front of me.

Why do you treat me this way?

Why can’t you consider how new I am to this version? Am I supposed to be apologetic for being slow? I really don’t see what’s wrong in taking your time un-learning and re-learning the same game but with different rules.

You make me want to cry. But I shan’t, because this small incident isn’t worth my precious tears. Still, my heart hurts. You can’t just attack me for being new/slow/dumb in an area I can never improve in without more time and more experience. What am I supposed to do to live up to your lofty expectations? I can’t do it.

I know it’s not ME you’re attacking, you’d do this for anyone slower than the speed threshold you’ve set for any player. It’s YOU. But it still doesn’t change the fact that your words hurt me. Perhaps I’m being TOO sensitive? OVERsensitive? But what the hell, do I have to justify my hurt? No, I don’t.

Sighs. 😦 Patience is a form of kindness too.


I can see it, hear it, feel it – your intentions.

When you look at me, talk to me, interact with me – I know it all.

The intentions behind the glances you cast, behind the words you speak, behind the thoughts you project – they’re so obvious.

I subtly slink off, yet you boldly continue. Should I be impressed by your tenacity, bravery, silly infatuation? Maybe you think I should. Maybe you think you have every right to have this chance, this shot at me.

You don’t have this right. You’ve done nothing to earn it, nothing to deserve it. It’s not the same as a given human right like voting, or working, or to be in a safe environment, etc. It’s not the same when it comes to relationships, when it must be mutually voluntary. And when I decide I do NOT want to give you even a sliver of a chance to get past being acquaintances, I should not feel pressured into needing to be friends with you, needing to accept your creepy advances. You make an offer, and I decide whether I want to accept.

“Why don’t you just give me a chance? Why are you rejecting me so fast? You don’t even know me yet, so how do you know this relationship won’t work out?”

Oh, I do know. Your glances, words, thoughts… They tell me everything I need to know about what you’re after. It’s something I refuse to give, especially to a creep like you. They also tell me everything I need to know about you, as a person. You aren’t attracted to me because we click, because we are compatible. It’s my better-than-average looks, it’s my friendliness that is unfortunately misinterpreted to mean I’m “available”, it’s my overall “charm” – you’ve only known me for less than a couple of weeks, the lines exchanged between us could not have exceeded 24 hours. I’m not interested, and you’re desperate.

And OH, I can feel the pity you can raise from the internet masses, about “having a crush on someone you have no chance with”.

It’s more than that for you. You leave out your predatory approach, your corrupted purpose, your sick mindset when you attempt to befriend me. But go ahead anyway, wallow in your self-pity about not being able to “get” or “catch” me (heh, just shows what exactly you think of me, right?). I couldn’t care less.

Sometimes you don’t even know you’re possessing these intentions, but they show. They shine through everything you do or say.

Your sullied intentions automatically disqualify you from securing the chance you so desperately struggle for. I refuse to associate myself with people like this.

Please stop, it’s painful for both of us, and if I were to take on the stand of a third party, it’s painful to watch too.

Just stop.

I’ve had enough with this blatant disrespect for me, and for yourself as well. I don’t need this.

I don’t need you.

All I was agreeable with was just friendship, but from the very beginning you wanted more, so the entire relationship is tainted with your intentions, and my knowledge of them. Good job.


I thought about it during a lecture I was supposed to be paying attention to because the tutorial sessions are even less understandable. Barely regret it.

I pondered: why is there this need, or social expectation, to “upgrade” yourself to boyfriend/girlfriend to the other party once both of you have passed a certain boundary of closeness (physically or emotionally, whatever man)?

What changes along with the status? What benefits are there?

Is it security? That now you have a certain hold or reservation over the other person.

Would it bring both of you closer together? By acknowledging the value of your relationship through a change in relationship status.

Do you now have the right to expect gifts, time, kisses, extra effort, and even sacrifices if necessary?

Why can’t we enjoy the innocence as it is? Why do we yearn for more, better, clearer, closer, stronger? Why can’t we just feel? Why do we struggle to formalise, to know?

I am content with the equilibrium.

But Love

Is it weird? … I’ll try to get my thoughts into words.

I loved someone 10 years ago, when we were still children. Silly isn’t it? Call it puppy love, call it first crush. But…

Right now, I don’t think I love them. Time apart does not always “make the heart grow fonder”. It just makes my feelings stranger – makes us strangers. But…

Every interaction now sparks something it me. Rekindles memories. Reminds me of the mutual trust we still have. Makes me happy and proud and dumb at the same time for realising that most others will never understand them like I do. After all, we’ve known each other for more than half our lives now, and I’m not exaggerating.

I ask myself if I’m being stupid.

We could literally sit together for hours without talking, and I’ll be okay with that.

They could literally talk for hours on a topic I never saw interest in, and I’ll happily listen.

We could literally misunderstand each other’s intentions because both of us thought we could read each other’s minds, and we’ll just laugh this rare mistake off.

They could literally talk to me again after a year of silence, and I’m fine with pretending we were just continuing our conversation from yesterday.

… I’m a fool. That’s the answer. They probably don’t care about me much anymore, but… why do I care so much? They give me nothing, but why am I so eager to give?

Loyalty. Respect. Adoration. Dedication. Friendship. I give them all.

But Love… not yet. Perhaps I’m not that foolish.