i feel dumber the smarter i’m supposed to be

The higher i climb, the harder i try, i’m taking myself out of the comfort of my little puddle and putting myself in a pond then a lake then the ocean.

But i’ve barely grown. i’m still small, and i’m still learning.

In my puddle, I was the best.

In a pond, I was one of the best.

In a lake, I was still in the upper echelons of the interweb of wits and speed.

But in the ocean, i am merely my mediocrity, and it pains me to know I was once better, or knew myself to be better. It’s humbling, though. i ought to be thankful. The usual cause of my frequent downfalls (more than i would like to admit) is pride.

While i acquire more knowledge as i move on to the big ocean, the accompanying exposure stings the small cuts i received from the pond and lake, and the rough ocean floor scrapes my skin as i struggle to push off from it after the occasional sink. It hurts. i’m dumb. It hurts more knowing I was once able to avoid the rocks easily. i’m dumb now knowing I was once smart — knowing i’m supposed to be smart.

So i guess i’ll continue swimming. Someday the ocean won’t seem so big, someday the cuts won’t sting, and someday my skin will harden so I won’t feel a thing when I hit rock bottom.

The only way is up. The only way is to learn from mistakes. Only then I will grow.

Then I’ll be smart again!

the heart’s a cup, or a bottle, or whatever you want it to be

this emptiness i feel now.

sadness? depression? i don’t really know. i don’t really have to know.

this emptiness is temporary. it’s my chance to reset. burning the crops for a more bountiful harvest the next round, that’s what i can liken this feeling to (the burnt land, not the burning).

yes. i just poured out stale water, that’s why i’m empty. fresher water awaits!