and then i shot myself in the heart

my inaction, my folly, my fault

ridiculous, imaginary, unreasonable

it’s so silly. i’m so silly. i literally set myself up for, let myself into, got myself stuck in this trap. all by myself. i did it by myself. and now i’m by myself.

i’m not lonely, oh no, that’s not what i’m saying. i’m saying i tricked myself into a fantasy without real world input for years. YEARS. and now my heart aches.

And he doesn’t even know.

Not his inaction, not his folly, not his fault.

Oh, how my heart aches.

i’m such a fool. haha.

just a fool

—/—-friend

I thought about it during a lecture I was supposed to be paying attention to because the tutorial sessions are even less understandable. Barely regret it.

I pondered: why is there this need, or social expectation, to “upgrade” yourself to boyfriend/girlfriend to the other party once both of you have passed a certain boundary of closeness (physically or emotionally, whatever man)?

What changes along with the status? What benefits are there?

Is it security? That now you have a certain hold or reservation over the other person.

Would it bring both of you closer together? By acknowledging the value of your relationship through a change in relationship status.

Do you now have the right to expect gifts, time, kisses, extra effort, and even sacrifices if necessary?

Why can’t we enjoy the innocence as it is? Why do we yearn for more, better, clearer, closer, stronger? Why can’t we just feel? Why do we struggle to formalise, to know?

I am content with the equilibrium.

But Love

Is it weird? … I’ll try to get my thoughts into words.

I loved someone 10 years ago, when we were still children. Silly isn’t it? Call it puppy love, call it first crush. But…

Right now, I don’t think I love them. Time apart does not always “make the heart grow fonder”. It just makes my feelings stranger – makes us strangers. But…

Every interaction now sparks something it me. Rekindles memories. Reminds me of the mutual trust we still have. Makes me happy and proud and dumb at the same time for realising that most others will never understand them like I do. After all, we’ve known each other for more than half our lives now, and I’m not exaggerating.

I ask myself if I’m being stupid.

We could literally sit together for hours without talking, and I’ll be okay with that.

They could literally talk for hours on a topic I never saw interest in, and I’ll happily listen.

We could literally misunderstand each other’s intentions because both of us thought we could read each other’s minds, and we’ll just laugh this rare mistake off.

They could literally talk to me again after a year of silence, and I’m fine with pretending we were just continuing our conversation from yesterday.

… I’m a fool. That’s the answer. They probably don’t care about me much anymore, but… why do I care so much? They give me nothing, but why am I so eager to give?

Loyalty. Respect. Adoration. Dedication. Friendship. I give them all.

But Love… not yet. Perhaps I’m not that foolish.