sighs

I’m tired. I didn’t do anything worth its time, but I’m tired.

I’m useless. My group mates must hate me, but they’re just too polite to say something. They’re so much smarter and proactive than I am

I’m guilty. I’ve lost the little motivation I had for getting through my university course. I can barely bring myself to do my tutorials and understand the last 12 weeks’ worth of lessons, much less contribute fruitfully to group work.

I say I’ll do it, but I don’t, because I can’t bring myself to.

What the hell is this stupid mental barrier that just PROHIBITS me from doing the responsible thing??

“Do you even want to do the thing?”

NO. I do not. I want to work at my own damn pace, not this system’s. I don’t want to have expectations set upon me for me to meet (or not meet) them. But I know I have to.

I HATE IT.

So I don’t do that thing.

This is how I am going to lose friends, street cred, and control over my university life. I hate how I am now and I don’t know what I need to push me to get my shit together. Perhaps a C grade? Maybe that will wake me up. But honestly I don’t know if I’ll care anymore at that point.

Life just seems so meaningless.

No, I don’t think I have depression. I’ve just fallen into this irresponsible rut of letting myself go for the entire university semester and I have yet to face the repercussions because grades come out in the winter, and my group mates are all so nice.

I hate myself. I………. I just hate myself when I’m like this. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Or maybe I do and I’m just avoiding it subconsciously.

UGH. Just. Ugh.

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i feel dumber the smarter i’m supposed to be

The higher i climb, the harder i try, i’m taking myself out of the comfort of my little puddle and putting myself in a pond then a lake then the ocean.

But i’ve barely grown. i’m still small, and i’m still learning.

In my puddle, I was the best.

In a pond, I was one of the best.

In a lake, I was still in the upper echelons of the interweb of wits and speed.

But in the ocean, i am merely my mediocrity, and it pains me to know I was once better, or knew myself to be better. It’s humbling, though. i ought to be thankful. The usual cause of my frequent downfalls (more than i would like to admit) is pride.

While i acquire more knowledge as i move on to the big ocean, the accompanying exposure stings the small cuts i received from the pond and lake, and the rough ocean floor scrapes my skin as i struggle to push off from it after the occasional sink. It hurts. i’m dumb. It hurts more knowing I was once able to avoid the rocks easily. i’m dumb now knowing I was once smart — knowing i’m supposed to be smart.

So i guess i’ll continue swimming. Someday the ocean won’t seem so big, someday the cuts won’t sting, and someday my skin will harden so I won’t feel a thing when I hit rock bottom.

The only way is up. The only way is to learn from mistakes. Only then I will grow.

Then I’ll be smart again!